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so excited for when i have enough money to buy a new binder but still constantly struggling with the balance between wanting my body to look (and feel) different and loving the body i’m in

saw a picture of a transguy last night that looked exactly how i want to look and i nearly died bc he looked so good  but i had to remind myself that i am not built that way and my hormones won’t ever take that way and even if i got top surgery and took insane amounts of t and worked out forever i would not look like that because my body is not meant to ever look like that (wide hips, hormone issues, no body hair, etc)

and i have to remind myself that this person looks “so good” because he is also representative of a very specific kind of masculinity that is essentially the height of hegemonic masculinity - super muscular, trim, able-bodied - and has all the markers my partners have found desirable like tattoos and edgy haircuts and shit i already have anyway, and i need to try to sort out socially-imposed desires and decolonized real deal desires

because i’m really truly over feeling undesirable and shitty because my body doesn’t fit the “masculine ideal,” because i am not fit and muscular and built like a boy or shane from the l word or any of the “desirable” butch icons i see on this website

i need to remember i am loveable in this body, i am attractive in this body, i don’t need to feel ashamed or hide from this body, much as it feels like a prison sentence sometimes

it is hard but i’m still gonna try to do it

Posted 1 year ago / 26 notes / Tagged: personal, me, queer, body dysphoria, tw: body dysphoria, transmasculine, hegemoni masculinity, queer masculinity,